Monthly Archives: April 2010

Of Jazz and Jesus. [And Becoming Captivated by Both.]

“I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn’t resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes.

After that I liked jazz music. Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.” –Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

I knew a really, really incredible saxophone player in college. Watching him play jazz over the course of four years made this quote come brilliantly alive for me. When this guy plays, it’s with an all-consuming reckless abandon that makes even the most distracted of listeners forget to breathe, and before you know it you’ve fallen in love with a song that you’ve listened to a myriad of times before but never really heard. It only takes the first two or three bars of “Rhapsody in Blue” for you to suddenly feel as though vibrant color has been abruptly, garishly, wildly and delightfully splashed all over what was only moments ago a very black-and-white world. You feel absolutely alive-as if you have finally woken up! Everything is more beautiful when that man picks up his saxophone.

A man playing his sax by the Seine on a frigid night in Paris. I loved listening to him.

 I want to love Jesus like that sax player loves jazz.

People should look at the way that I talk about Jesus, the way that I joyfully value and wholeheartedly adore Him, and see the same compelling, irresistible passion that everyone listening to that sax player instantaneously sees after his first riff. They should look at the way that I recklessly, entirely love the God that redeemed me and fall in love with Him too. If it’s difficult to connect the way that I love Jesus to the way that that saxophonist loves his music, something is gravely amiss. There is nothing sedated or half-hearted about Jesus’ relentless, passionate pursuit of me-my response should be nothing short of an all-consuming, glorious celebration of the fact that I am greatly treasured and desired by the God of the Universe!

Watching that sax player for four years helped me to better understand what it looks like for my life to be a worshipful celebration of something that has captured and enthralled every piece of me.

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Honk If You’re…Still Alive. [In Which I Nearly Died.]

I used to think that not having any traffic laws would be fantastic.

An incredibly mild shot of traffic in Senegal. The party bus on the left is a "car rapide".

That brilliant gem of an idea dates back to my freshman and sophomore years of college, during which I dearly loved to barrel down back country roads coaxing speeds of no less 95 mph out of the older-than-dirt ’86 death trap that masquerades as my car. [An impressive feat, if I do say so myself.] I really was shocked when a friend informed me that you can lose your license for speeding that badly! But those were the days when I could only fantasize about a world without stop signs, po-po and speeding tickets. I was wholeheartedly convinced that that world would be my oyster.

Then I moved to Senegal.

 Every harrowing taxi experience in Senegal leaves you white knuckled and dazed. Violently shaking, you stumble out of the rusty rickshaw throwbacks vowing to be a better person, join a monastery and start talking to your mother again. I imagine the traffic in Senegal to be something mildly

A shot of Paris from the top of Notre Dame several months ago. Everything looked so clean and organized after Dakar!

similar to a really bad acid trip: there is simply no rhyme or reason to it whatsoever. It’s almost as if some greasy haired, pre-pubescent teenaged Grand Theft Auto prodigy named Spike scribbled the system on the back of a Burger King napkin during his lunch hour. It feels entirely arbitrary-no signs, no speed limits, and no traffic lights. Traffic in Dakar is like a city-wide game of bumper cars-you speed along with one hand desperately clutching the wheel and the other hand flying out the window, as if simply waving at the city bus barreling towards the driver’s seat will entice said bus driver to hit the breaks long enough to let you squeeze by unharmed. The dirty air is filled with the sounds of people yelling, horns blaring, tires screeching, and rusty metal angrily grating against those unhappy cars that lost the perpetual game of chicken.

It’s an experience. I imagine an aerial view of the traffic in Dakar would somehow resemble an ant hill. Complete and utter chaotic panic reigns.

I have what my teammates have informed me, is a fervent but rather misguided belief that I can singlehandedly teach all of these crazed Senegalese drivers that pedestrians actually do have the right of way. I am utterly fearless-boldly stepping into the midst of frenzied rush hour [read: every hour] traffic with a sort of reckless daring that suggests that the little 5’3 white girl somehow belongs in the middle of the crowded road. Much to my teammates chagrin, I have been hit by a car on three separate occasions since moving to this sidewalk-less country. I may only

A shot of Rome from the top of the Spanish steps-another city that felt incredibly organized after Dakar.

 be 5’3, but every inch of me is stubborn to a fault and there is some sort of inexplicable compulsive tenacity in me that truly would rather get flattened into the dirt by a car rapide [a wildly colorful Senegalese van-bus] than give up the right of way. [Thus, ever-practical Christy is constantly pulling me out of the way of on-coming traffic.]

What’s the moral of this story? There isn’t one, and I’ll probably get hit by at least two more cars before making it safely onto the plane home. I’ll give you this though: life is never boring in Senegal.

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Of Racism and the Gospel. [Red and Yellow, Black and White.]

Hady came over last week for help on an English essay about racism. Her opening sentence was as follows:

“There are four races of people in the world: the blacks, the whites, the reds and the yellows.”

Explaining the mildly politically incorrect implications of that statement was no easy task. Ironically, Hady’s assignment was to [in English] explain how we can eradicate racism from the world.

 My job is to do one thing in a thousand different, imaginative ways. I spend my days showing girls how even the seemingly insignificant details of their lives are connected to the truth of the gospel and point towards

Hady and I at my birthday party several weeks ago.

 their desperate need for Jesus. Conversations about dating, marriage, food, movies, holidays, cultural traditions, music, the economy, poverty, racism-these are all things that I use to talk about our need for a Savior.

Islam is an entirely performance based religion. If the “good” that you do in your lifetime outweighs the bad, you have a shot at Allah arbitrarily deciding to let you into Paradise after you die. [Though it is important to note that there is never a guarantee of salvation for a Muslim, even if his good deeds turn out to outweigh the bad. Shortly before he died, Muhammad himself told his followers that he didn’t know if Allah would let him into Paradise. Everything is dependent upon the “merciful will of Allah”, who might decide to send everybody to hell on any given day if he hasn’t had enough coffee that morning.]

And so, a Muslim tries to be good. Straining, frantically, fearfully, blindly grasping for an assurance that simply cannot be found in Islam: that they have done enough. It is petrifying, maddening, and absolutely exhausting.

The gospel goes to war with the idea that we can ever do anything to be good enough for God. This is entirely counter intuitive for my girls. Islam looks at a topic like racism, and says “be better”. The gospel cures racism by telling us that God accepted us in the midst of the filth of our sin-and wants to give us new hearts that crave Him and the desires of His heart rather than the desires of our old, sinful nature.

In his book “Breaking the Islam Code” [A great read if you’re at all interested in better understanding what I’m doing in Senegal and why], JD Greear talks about this very thing. He says:

When our acceptance is based on our performance, we merely exacerbate two root sins in our heart: pride and fear. Our religious devotion is fueled by our fear of rejection and love of praise. Pride begets more sin, and fear of God does not create love for him, but an anxiety to prove ourselves to him and to others.

 The sin of racism arises, ultimately, out of insecurity. The racist feels the need to look down on other people (in his case, a whole race of people) to bolster his own self-image. If you try to change the racist by saying, “Don’t be a racist, because racists are bad people,” you are implying to him that bad people will be rejected. And if he wants to avoid rejection, he should conform to the moral behavior that will gain him acceptance. You are appealing to his fear and insecurity-the very things that prompted the racism to begin with! The gospel, on the other hand, attempts to cure the sin of racism not by threatening rejection, but by showing us the unconditional acceptance we have received in the cross. How could those of us who have been accepted by Christ refuse to accept others?

My girls are correct about the very thing that most terrifies them-they are not good enough to stand before a holy God. But praise Jesus, he loved people like Hady and you and I enough to be “good” on our behalf! The brilliant news of the gospel is that I was DEAD in my sin-but God sent Jesus to earth to live the perfect, holy life that I should have lived FOR me. Then in the greatest act of selfless love mankind has ever seen, Jesus died the gruesome death that I should have died as the punishment for all of the “bad” in my life. When I decided to follow Jesus Christ, He redeemed my heart and made it new-and in so doing, took me from death to life. I can confidently rest in the knowledge that my relationship with God is entirely secure because my salvation has nothing to do with what I can do-and everything to do with what has already been done for me.

Somewhere in between correcting comma splices and explaining that there are more than four races of people in the world, I got to explain to Hady that the only way to eradicate racism [or any other sin] from the world is for Jesus to redeem our sinful hearts. That’s what most of my days look like in Dakar.

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On Coming Home. [In Which I Wax Nostalgic.]

Teaching the "Thriller" dance at Em's Michael Jackson themed birthday party...clearly, her idea.

I will be landing at RDU at approximately 5:20 PM on Monday, June 28th!! There is something about the idea of coming home that absolutely thrills me. I love what I do in Senegal, but I have dearly missed every little piece of home. I have a sneaking suspicion that the re-entry process might be amusing…

You see, I grew up in Eastern Europe, where we read Tolstoy and Proust with mournful looks by candlelight, and at all costs avoid smiling and any eye contact beyond a slight, rather depressed cursory glance as we trudge across gray cobblestone to the nearest café poetry reading. The thoughtless smile directed towards an unsuspecting stranger renders  you instantly categorized as some sort of disturbed deviant who licks parking meters and hears their vegetables talk back to them.

I remember as a little girl,

Some of my crazy family at my graduation ceremony-we roll pretty deep, and fervently believe that every life event should be marked by pomp and circumstance.

when my family would fly back into America I would consciously decide to “turn on my smile”. There was such a stark contrast between the morose Eastern European culture in which I lived, and the cheerful customs men that always asked me how I was doing that day! I imagine that landing in New York to catch my connecting flight to Raleigh is going to feel somewhat reminiscent of that.  After nine months of staring blankly past the leering gazes of men that see me as merely decorative at best, I fully intend to waltz off the plane, enthusiastically greet everyone that I see, and give the befuddled barista at the closest Starbucks my extended life story.

My mini-me and I. Apparently we're the same shoe size now--when did she gets so big?

I can’t wait to be home. :) I can’t wait for front porch swings, and long afternoons swinging in the park. Home to me is rainy afternoons and caramel lattes, the strains of jazz music floating out into the humid North Carolina breeze. It’s the smell of the ocean salt spray at Nag’s Head beach, and running barefoot in the sand with my brothers.  It’s dancing with Stephen [my brother] in the kitchen and playing the first three bars of any song on my baby grand piano, knowing that Ian [my other brother] will almost instantaneously appear at my side to sing with me. It’s coffee and cinnamon rolls at Panera with my Dad, and chicken salad at Café Carolina after church with friends that feel much more like family. Home is [green!] grass, free Dr. Pepper refills, and long drives on back country roads with the windows rolled all the way down and the radio cranked all the way up. For the record, if you are what you eat, this summer I fully intend to be a perfect storm of Hibachi chicken, onion bagels from Breuggers and caramel lattes. [Mom, when you read this, can you go ahead and renew my Y membership?]

With Mom and Ian last Thanksgiving.

It’s going to be incredible! It’s a bit of a bittersweet thing to leave three weeks before the rest of my team, but I have to be back in the US early for a round of pre-op appointments before my surgery. Do excuse the temporary bout of nostalgia-it doesn’t happen often. To all of you in North Carolina…see you in 67 days! [But who's counting?]

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Filed under Family, Home, My favorite people

Out of Africa. [In Which I Turned 23.]

Bliss.

Yesterday, I almost forgot that I live in Africa.

I walked downstairs [read: from my rooftop apartment to the men’s apartment directly below] to enough rainbow colored balloons and streamers to make Liberace shudder. It felt for all the world like I was seven years old again-there’s

Breakfast with the guys.

just something about a room full of pink streamers and a million balloons that smacks of piñatas, pony-rides and frosting in a myriad of iridescent hues not found anywhere in nature.

With absolutely no help from me, my team had managed to pull off chocolate banana crepes [a personal favorite] for breakfast. I love crepes because they provide the perfect excuse to eat nutella and whipped cream before seven AM. Over mouthfuls of chocolate, they gave me my birthday present-a set of mugs that I had mentioned that I loved back in January. They bought them for me while we were in Europe and kept it a secret for three months! You have to understand something: I’ve been drinking out of a travel mug since I got to Africa. [Practical, yes-but it does make me feel like a bit of a Neanderthal.] This morning, I felt incredibly spoiled drinking my French vanilla hazelnut au lait out of a real mug!

Everything we did yesterday was a surprise-which, when it comes to me, is a feat of epic proportions. Knowing that I am almost impossible to surprise, my team ignored my persistent attempts to wheedle information out of them in the [months] leading up to April 19, giving me absolutely no hints and re-setting all of the passwords on their computers. I didn’t even know how I was supposed to dress until half an hour prior

At the beach.

 to our departure-when Christy told me to throw on a bathing suit. Now, being the excellent missionary that I am, the only bathing suit I have in this country is a bikini. Why did I bring a bikini to a Muslim country? If you can figure that one out, start working on what dark forces were at work in my mind when I packed my “practical stilettos” in my bright blue monogrammed duffle bag. [Proof: God can use anybody.]

Our taxis pulled up to an almost deserted, private beach [making the white girls in bathing suits thing more acceptable], where I learned that my team had planned on taking me jet skiing. Africa struck again though, and upon our arrival we discovered that you can only jetski in August. [Rationale? If you want rational explanations for things, I highly suggest that you stay far, far away from this continent.] Since there was nobody around and

The new and improved Ben. I should note that everyone on my team is rocking a pretty gruesome farmer's tan-living in a Muslim country makes your clothing options fairly limited...

 we were already at the beach [a first for us since landing in Senegal], we ended up spending a couple of hours digging in the sand and attempting to drown each other in the freezing water. [Call it a team building exercise.]

 Later that evening, they took me to my coffee shop for dinner. Christy, Ben, Cash and Dayton did such a sweet job

At dinner with Christy. Oh, hey there caramel machiatto.

of tailoring every tiny nuance of the day to be something that would make me feel really loved and special. One beef stroganoff and two caramel machiattos later, we dashed

Dayton escorting me into the apartment for my dessert party.

back home where I discovered a literal tower of sixteen cream puffs sitting on the dining room table. I’ve been joking about wanting a “tower o’ cream puffs” for my birthday for months now, and they actually made it happen. My first valuable piece of wisdom to offer as the 23 year old sage that I now am is simply this: if you are ever offered a tower of sixteen

My tower of cream puffs. I may be 23, but I still clap like a four year old when I get excited.

chocolate cream puffs, do not feel compelled to eat them all in one sitting. I managed to down the tops to no less than twelve of them before I ended up curled into the fetal position on the cool kitchen tile. After swearing off cream puffs for the rest of my life, we watched a couple of episodes of House to cap off an all-together excellent birthday.

So,

In front of my coffee shop.

thanks to my team for making my day so fun-and thank you everyone that thought to write, call or post on my facebook wall-I LOVED hearing from people.

Breakfast this morning. Note the cute mug!

That was absolutely a highlight. And as my confession as a 23 year old, I should admit that I ate a cream puff for breakfast this morning…

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